{"id":2082,"date":"2016-01-29T08:00:25","date_gmt":"2016-01-29T13:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/eccafv.org\/?p=2082"},"modified":"2016-05-16T21:20:21","modified_gmt":"2016-05-17T01:20:21","slug":"when-a-survivor-returns-to-an-abuser","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/eccafv.org\/when-a-survivor-returns-to-an-abuser\/","title":{"rendered":"When a Survivor Returns to an Abuser"},"content":{"rendered":"

What to do as a bystander to best support them<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s easy for someone who\u2019s never been in a relationship with an abusive partner to say, \u201cIf anyone ever abused me, I\u2019d leave and never look back.\u201d It\u2019s the logical response and one we all hope we would implement.<\/p>\n

But when faced with the actual, real-life scenario of being in a relationship with an abusive partner, a partner we may genuinely love, on whom we depend financially or with whom we share a home or children, the decision to leave and never return is often easier said than done. Not only is it hard to live through such a scenario, it\u2019s also difficult to be an outsider, watching a loved one go back even once to a person who abuses them.<\/p>\n

So, what can we do when someone we know makes the decision to return to an abuser? Alexis Moore, author, domestic violence survivor and founder of Survivors in Action<\/a>, a risk management consulting firm that helps domestic abuse survivors, says, for starters, the last thing a support person should do is pass judgment.<\/p>\n

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\u201cThink about it: Does this person really want to be with an abusive partner?\u201d Spoiler alert, the answer is no, says Moore. \u201cThere\u2019s an underlying reason they return.\u201d They may be financially dependent on the person and unable to find a job, or they may need a place to live. They could be a victim of stalking or psychological abuse and afraid for their safety if they don\u2019t return. If you want to be truly supportive, says Moore, \u201cFirst, find out what obstacles<\/a> they may be facing, then encourage them to try to overcome them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Moore, who escaped from an abusive partner in 2004, says when she returned to her abuser, she faced harsh judgment from her closest friends. But, she understands why. \u201cNone of us want to enable homicide,\u201d she says. She encourages support persons to think about what they say before they say it. \u201cIf you\u2019re going to pass judgment, are you really trying to save that person\u2019s life, or are you just trying to spout your mouth off?\u201d<\/p>\n

What survivors don\u2019t need, says Moore, is someone else telling them what to do, since their abuser is already doing so. As a support person, \u201cYou need to be the encourager,\u201d she says. \u201cAsk, \u2018Have you called an advocate?\u2019 Or say, \u2018Maybe I can accompany you to go report this to law enforcement.\u2019 You don\u2019t need to speak for them, just go with them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her other suggestion is to look at what tools you have and how they can help a survivor. \u201cIf you have a business, are you willing to hire that friend?\u201d On the other hand, know what tools you don\u2019t have. \u201cIt\u2019s not your place to tell them what to do if you haven\u2019t been through it. You wouldn\u2019t try to perform surgery if you weren\u2019t a doctor, so don\u2019t try to be a police officer.\u201d<\/p>\n

Finally, know that leaving is never an easy, or quick, process. \u201cThere\u2019s so much going on, not only with their emotions, but with the realities they face when trying to leave their partner. Painting [leaving their partner] as a rose-colored picture\u2014that as soon as they leave, their life is going to be better\u2014just isn\u2019t realistic. It has to be up to them to leave. They need to have a plan to remain safe from their abuser, and they may need your support and help.<\/p>\n

More Resources: <\/strong>If you\u2019re a friend or family member of someone going through abuse, these recommended books<\/a> for support persons may be helpful to add to your reading list.<\/p>\n

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SURVEY<\/h4>\n
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When you were experiencing abuse, what did someone do that you found most helpful?<\/h2>\n
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  • They helped me find or call a local DV advocate or shelter.<\/li>\n
  • They helped me financially.<\/li>\n
  • They accompanied me to court.<\/li>\n
  • They helped me come up with a safety plan for escape.<\/li>\n
  • They watched my pets for me when I left my abuser.<\/li>\n
  • They listened and supported me unconditionally.<\/li>\n
  • Unfortunately, none of my friends or family offered help.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n