{"id":2097,"date":"2016-03-01T08:56:00","date_gmt":"2016-03-01T13:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/eccafv.org\/?p=2097"},"modified":"2016-05-16T21:19:36","modified_gmt":"2016-05-17T01:19:36","slug":"spoiling-your-kids-the-right-way","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/eccafv.org\/spoiling-your-kids-the-right-way\/","title":{"rendered":"Spoiling Your Kids the Right Way"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>Why parents shouldn\u2019t worry about nurturing children too much after escaping domestic violence<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Leaving an abusive partner brings with it a range of emotions, from relief to anxiety. For the victimized parent, there can also be a hefty dose of guilt. They may take on some of the blame for the abuse, even though it\u2019s not their fault. Or, they may start to doubt if separating children from the abusive parent was the best plan in the long run.<\/p>\n<p>These feelings are normal, says Dani Singer, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of <a href=\"http:\/\/www.projecttherapythreads.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">Project Therapy Threads<\/a>. She specializes in treating trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and says the guilt can be overwhelming in victimized parents after leaving an abusive partner. Sometimes, this guilt translates to an urge to spoil children to try and \u201cmake up\u201d for the trauma they\u2019ve endured. Depending on your definition of spoiling, says Singer, this may not be a bad thing.<\/p>\n<p>Spoiling them with gifts, or a loosening of rules, is not the best long-term plan, she says. \u201cAfter moving out of the home, rules and routines definitely change. They\u2019re going to need that routine and those boundaries to stay in place.<\/p>\n<div class=\"article-aside-box email-signup\"><\/div>\n<p>\u201cBut if you define spoiling as nurturing, then I agree with this,\u201d Singer says. \u201cThey\u2019ve been through something traumatic and they\u2019re going to need that comfort because they\u2019re not going to feel safe for a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Singer says that, for many children who witness domestic violence, it can create PTSD symptoms similar to what you might see in a war veteran\u2014nightmares, flashbacks, loss of interest in activities, outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems and the general sense of not feeling safe. As a result, she says parents never need to worry about giving children too much affection, but rather, not enough.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo much research shows that not enough affection actually creates more problems, especially as a baby.\u201d This affection can be shown through hugging, kissing, cuddling, spending time together and just being available for a child to come and talk to a parent.<\/p>\n<p>The other thing an adult can do is to teach a child soothing routines as a way to comfort themselves when the parent is not around. Teach them to place a hand on their stomach when they feel nervous, and hold it there as they take deep breaths. Or, have them place one hand on the back of their neck and one on their forehead to help stop anxious thoughts.<\/p>\n<p>Children also need to learn how to get their negative emotions out in a healthy way. \u201cThey may not have the language to talk about their confusing emotions, so it can feel overwhelming.\u201d Singer says exercise is a great way to burn off this energy, but so is punching a pillow or screaming into a blanket when feeling frustrated and upset.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo many children never learn how to deal with stress, so they turn to unhealthy things like disordered eating or self-harm, or maybe even drugs and alcohol, because they didn\u2019t learn better ways to cope,\u201d says Singer.<\/p>\n<p>But the number one thing Singer says parents should do is to care for themselves, too. \u201cThe best thing they can do is to take care of their own mental health so they can be in a place where they\u2019re emotionally there for the children. Seek out services from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and who does family work. There are some really great treatment options out there.\u201d Singer says it\u2019s vital that a child sees their parent taking good care of themselves. \u201cThis is the long-term solution,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<p>For more tips on healthy self-care, check out our series of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.domesticshelters.org\/domestic-violence-articles-information\/category\/taking-care-of-you\" target=\"_blank\">Taking Care of You<\/a> articles.<\/p>\n<p>February 05, 2016<\/p>\n<p>By domesticshelters.org<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why parents shouldn\u2019t worry about nurturing children too much after escaping domestic violence Leaving an abusive partner brings with it a range of emotions, from relief to anxiety. For the [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":2098,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":[],"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueState":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","_VenueShowMap":false,"_VenueShowMapLink":false,"_tribe_blocks_recurrence_rules":"","_tribe_blocks_recurrence_description":"","_tribe_blocks_recurrence_exclusions":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Spoiling Your Kids the Right Way - ECCAFV<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/eccafv.org\/spoiling-your-kids-the-right-way\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Spoiling Your Kids the Right Way - ECCAFV\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Why parents shouldn\u2019t worry about nurturing children too much after escaping domestic violence Leaving an abusive partner brings with it a range of emotions, from relief to anxiety. 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