{"id":2118,"date":"2016-04-06T10:29:48","date_gmt":"2016-04-06T14:29:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/eccafv.org\/?p=2118"},"modified":"2016-05-16T21:18:40","modified_gmt":"2016-05-17T01:18:40","slug":"survivor-story-anna","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/eccafv.org\/survivor-story-anna\/","title":{"rendered":"Survivor Story: Anna"},"content":{"rendered":"

Enduring dating abuse in her 20s influenced what she wants her kids to know now<\/em><\/p>\n

Dating someone in her 20s who was verbally and psychologically abusive isn\u2019t something Anna* says she thinks about much almost 15 years later. But it was an experience that would go on to affect her future relationships, and not in positive ways. It wasn\u2019t until she had a daughter of her own that her whole perspective shifted.<\/p>\n

\u201cI feel like my mom raised me to be a feminist. She would always tell me I how smart I was, and that I never deserved to be treated poorly. What scares me is that\u2019s what I teach my daughter, but I still fell victim.\u201d<\/p>\n

Anna, now 35, first met Todd* when she was just 15 and he was 17. \u201cHe was very outgoing, funny and everyone wanted to be friends with him. Everyone wanted to be around him. The allure was he could also be a d*ck.\u201d<\/p>\n

At the time,\u00a0he was dating another girl and they fought constantly. But Anna remembers how much Todd seemed to worship his girlfriend when they weren\u2019t fighting. \u201cHe put her on a pedestal. I was jealous. I wanted that kind of attention.\u201d<\/p>\n

The two inevitably broke up and Anna and Todd started dating after high school. She was 18; he was 20. \u201cHe would send me emails that were so over-the-top romantic. He told me he loved me after six months and I felt like I was in love with him. He swept me off my feet. I\u2019d never experienced anything like that before.\u201d A year later, they moved in together and that\u2019s when things took a turn.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

\u201cHe would get mad at me for weird things\u00a0like not doing the dishes. I\u2019d try to ask, \u2018What\u2019s wrong with you?\u2019 and he\u2019d say, \u2018You\u2019re what\u2019s wrong with me.\u2019 He would always call me a stupid b*tch. A few days would go by and then he\u2019d cool down. But he never apologized.\u201d After their arguments, Todd would sometimes force Anna to be physical. \u201cI\u2019d push him away.\u201d Did she ever consider it rape? \u201cNo,\u201d she says. \u201cBut I did say \u2018no.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Almost<\/em><\/strong> Crossing the Line<\/strong><\/p>\n

One summer afternoon, the two went to an outdoor concert. The heat was stifling. Standing in the grass, Anna began to feel like she was going to pass out. She tried to tell Todd, but he just ignored her. \u201cHe was mad at me, again, for something.\u201d Anna fainted. She remembers waking up when she hit the ground and, looking up, saw Todd turn away from her and continue watching the concert. Several other people helped her get to the first aid tent.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I felt better, I went back to find him. He was my ride home. He got mad at me for being dramatic. He was so busy yelling at me on the way home that he ran a red light and hit another car. He went off on me, saying it was all my fault because I was a stupid b*tch.\u201d Luckily, no one was injured in the collision.<\/p>\n

At home later that night, Todd was still furious with her for, in his mind, causing the accident. \u201cHe was shaking. He backed me up against the wall and balled up his fist. He held it in front of my face. I said, \u2018I dare you to hit me.\u2019\u201d But he didn\u2019t, choosing instead to stomp out of the house. Anna didn\u2019t see him for two days.<\/p>\n

She thinks the reason she dared him to hit her was so she could finally say he had crossed the line. \u201cI thought, \u2018If he hits me, I know that this is over. I\u2019ll know that this is abuse.\u2019 But he didn\u2019t. So I stayed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Promises, Promises<\/strong><\/p>\n

The two went on to break up and get back together multiple times. Anna says she had this belief that they were meant to be together. \u201cHe would say he was\u00a0going to be different each time, that he was going to be sweet. We\u2019d talk about the future and the wedding and the kids.\u201d When things were good, it was like a high. \u201cI was always striving to get to\u00a0that good part. But I only got that maybe a third of the time. The other times were horrible. I know now that I put up with that\u00a0because I wanted the good to come back. It was a cycle.\u201d<\/p>\n

The final straw was when Anna went into the hospital for minor surgery. She stayed with her parents for two weeks afterward to recover\u00a0and didn\u2019t hear from Todd once. When she returned home, the abuse was\u00a0turned up to an 11.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe yelled at me about how dirty the apartment was, calling me a f***ing b*tch and a whore. Then, he told me he had slept with another women, in our bed, while I was in the hospital. And he wasn\u2019t sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Distraught, she called her parents,\u00a0who had known what was going on for the duration of their relationship and who had continually encouraged her to leave him. She mostly talked to her mom, but says it was when her dad pleaded with her, \u201cYou cannot ever go back to him again,\u201d that it broke her. \u201cI realized that nobody was worth this.\u201d She ended the relationship for good when she was 21.<\/p>\n

Newfound Perspective<\/strong><\/p>\n

Today, the happily married mom of a six-year-old daughter and one-year-old son says she feels for what her parents went through. \u201cI can\u2019t imagine my kids telling me that they were dealing with that kind of a relationship and sticking with it.\u201d Though she has an even greater fear for the future: \u201cI\u2019m more afraid they wouldn\u2019t tell me what\u2019s going on.\u201d<\/p>\n

She says she\u2019s begun teaching her daughter about respect, treating others the way you\u2019d want to be treated. \u201cIf someone is being mean to you at school, then they\u2019re not a good friend.\u201d She strongly believes that dating education should start in middle school and that kids need to know that there are other forms of being mean beyond just hitting.<\/p>\n

\u201cI always felt like physical abuse was my line, but that psychological abuse was forgivable, even though I know now the latter will do more damage.\u201d She says she wishes she had learned earlier what a manipulative person looks like. \u201cI\u2019d never seen or heard of anyone like him before.\u201d<\/p>\n

*Names have been changed per interviewee\u2019s request.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 25, 2016<\/p>\n

By domesticshelters.org<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Enduring dating abuse in her 20s influenced what she wants her kids to know now Dating someone in her 20s who was verbally and psychologically abusive isn\u2019t something Anna* says […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":2119,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":[],"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueState":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","_VenueShowMap":false,"_VenueShowMapLink":false,"_tribe_blocks_recurrence_rules":"","_tribe_blocks_recurrence_description":"","_tribe_blocks_recurrence_exclusions":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nSurvivor Story: Anna - 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